The Briefcase Mafia

It's amusing, really, and sad, just how much money companies spend to try and keep their employees from getting hurt. Not because it's a bad cause, it's just the retarded- yes, retarded- nature of where it all came from. It is not uncommon at all for a company to spend twenty hours training an unskilled worker how to not get hurt in a relatively (if you're not a moron) harmless warehouse. Two hours could cover everything necessary, but twenty, wow, that really shows that they care, right? Things like don't walk on a rolling floor, watching out for spilled water, not sticking your fingers in or near a giant moving part of a machine... are these things not just common sense? That is not to mention the bogus nutritional advice they lay upon their employees- the kind of diet that has made all America fat, such as meal proportions that eerily reflect the style of eating sumo wrestlers use to reach their weight. And, of course, the ridiculous amount of time they spend teaching people how to pick up something safely, and how important it is to strictly adhere to this protocol, even if what the person is lifting weighs a meager five pounds- a weight that five year olds lift over their heads one handed with ease.

Michael Savage, talk show host extraordinaire, has a phrase: the "briefcase mafia." He is referring to lawyers, who have largely taken over the country. (Our current president, and his defeated senile opponent, are both lawyers, by the way.) Please tell me you don't need any proof of my accusation. Fine. A county in Florida has banned running at recess at its schools for fear of lawsuits from injuries. Disclaimers are at the bottom and end of every commercial you will ever see. And, let's not forget all those frivolous lawsuits. Black and Decker once lost a suit where a guy taped the dead man's switch on a lawnmower, picked it up with the help of his friend, used it- the LAWNMOWER WITH A DEAD MAN'S SWITCH- to trim his hedges, dropped it, and lost a finger or two. And who is it, again, that files all these suits and laws in favor of alien invaders (citizenship-challenged people, for you liberals out there) and their alleged rights, again? You know, like the right to have an anchor-baby in an American hospital that they never have to repay, while a citizen would be stuck with a bill of around $15,000 to have a baby at that same hospital with the same level of care? Oh, and let's not forget about the sensitivity training our good soldiers have to take, instead of running combat drills. Don't want to accidentally offend a female officer or anything while we're fighting and killing the enemy, now do we?

Oh, and, for good measure, let's go ahead and mention the plot that the CIA had in Iraq to go and remote-detonate bomb-makers' boms while they were still making... that was stopped by the legal team saying that they weren't allowed to do such a thing. Jurisdiction or something, who knows.

The lawyers, with their mastery of law, in all it's complications, loopholes, and tape of all colors, have somehow declared themselves experts in everything. The fear of getting sued, it seems, has made the lawyer's whim supreme! It should be noted, however, that even the mention of their intervention can change the behavior of some, and is abused by others. It is reminiscent of the most corrupt years of the Catholic church, centuries ago, before they reformed themselves.

My wife, for example, hatched ducklings in her class (she is a teacher), and once they grew up, she let them out in the habitat- a little area in the middle of the school that is outside and made up with trees and other stuff. The kids LOVE them, and what could be better? Live ducks for the kids to watch, see the female's eggs when she lays, and the responsibility some kids in her classroom show when they go to feed them.

Wait a minute, not so fast! A concerned parent (is there any other kind in a story like this?) wants to know something- is it possible for those ducks to hurt a student? Egads! The duck! The male! The scary, scary, male duck! He might, I don't know, peck at a kid or something! Worry not, the principal will get to the bottom of this! She will call on the phone and consult... the district lawyer?

Ah, yes, it turns out that the only relevant question is whether or not the school is liable, should a kid be pecked to the point of, in a worst case scenario... his skin showing a small mark. Yep, that's a lawsuit just waiting to happen, we are going to have to get rid of the ducks! You have until Spring Break. Oh, that's the week off that we used to call Easter, you know, before the lawyers got involved...

The plot thickens, however. This concerned parent may or may not have even existed, it may just be that the idiot janitor doesn't want the pump in the little fake pond to clog up, even though such a clog has never once been linked in any way to the ducks. So, through either real legal shenanigans, or the mere unfounded threat, nay, idea of them... the ducks have to go. Guess the students' love for the animals, taking care of them, learning about them, well, doesn't matter so much.

But back to the warehouse jobs and whatnot... Once I was in such a training for such a job, and I, too, had to be taught how to properly lift things. Incidentally, I know more about lifting objects in more modalities than those who taught me could ever hope to even think about. Of the three most important points to lifting an object from the ground (deadlift), the most important things you would ever want to teach a novice lifter in the gym, they hit one of them. However, they were quick to point out to a young lady who was demonstrating "proper lifting" with an empty box, that she leaned too far forward over the box when lifting it. Really, I think to myself. She leans too far forward. I was in perfect position to observe her form, and it wasn't that bad. But the little old lady who belongs in a library that still contains a card catalog pointed out that she should be more vertical.

So, I guess every professional power lifter that ever existed, as well as every Olympic weightlifter to ever compete was wrong. I guess instead of having, ideally, your shoulder blades directly over the object you lift, as has been proven time and again the most biomechanically efficient and effective thing to do (thus most natural), by coaches and scientists around the world for nearly a century, is actually wrong. I guess the simple proof that such a posture actually increases the (negligible) torque produced on the lower back in such a position, versus the position I would recommend, that any physics student could show you, isn't important. Here, after all the experts I have met and trained with, and all the years I have spent training, refining my training, and seeing real progress and strength gains, etc., I would have recommended a completely different back angle than that which is recommended by the makers of the lame safety videos new employees are forced to watch.

It's a good thing that company took so many paid hours to teach me, because it turns out I don't know the first thing about the deadlift. But then, I don't have a law degree.

On an American Disorder

You know, I'm tired of talking about the bailout with people, the spend, spend, spend nature of our economy, but it is a big deal. So I'll address it, only abstractly. It's up to you to draw the parallels, try and keep up.

My wife and I were talking last night, she wondered out loud if anorexia and bulimia were still issues today. You see, when we were growing up, it was the big bleeding heart issue, behind recycling of course. These were before the days of school shootings by kids on Prozac and/or Ritalin, and global warming. Everyone was concerned about teenagers and their poor, poor self esteems (big deal, those self esteems), throwing up after meals for fear of getting fat. You know, the binging and purging thing... eat like crazy because you're starving, get guilty, ralph it up... Or just not eating at all. Only in America, right?

Well not anymore! Go to any high school these days, you will see: it is clear and obvious, to even the most casual observer, that neither bulimia nor anorexia are prevalent at all. I know this because those two methods work. They really do make you skinny. Unhealthy as a prisoner in a concentration camp also, of course. But the point here is, no one can possibly be either bulimic or anorexic, because everyone- EVERYONE- is fat as hell!

Now I could go on about the lack of exercise, which is a very important subject by itself, but the fact is that weight loss is about 70% diet and 30% exercise. I could go on about the huge amount of sugary crap, starchy foods, and other processed carbohydrates in such large amounts that make people fat. But one thing is for sure, no one has an eating disorder THESE days!

I could even link in some politics, link to a commercial posted on youtube that actually promotes high fructose corn syrup- a very slow POISON- as "made from corn [like that's good!?], and okay in moderation." I could go on about the power of the corn lobby- oh yes, there is one. I could go on about the pharmaceuticals who push useless diet pills, those things that, during the days of the anorexics and bulimics, were demonized on such classic family TV shows such as Family Matters, The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, and more. Those demonizations are long gone, however, replaced with an energy drink in the hands of every would-be amphetamine abuser. I could even propose that the clean your plate mentality did this to kids today, though I doubt that is the problem, since they will willingly clean any plate that has nothing but crap piled on it.

So that's it, then. Goodbye eating disorders, hello eating crap. At least we don't care what we look like anymore. Ironically, clothes that can only be described as slut-wear seem to be at an all time high in popularity. Even in plus sizes. So, we stopped caring about what's on the outside, but forgot to start caring about what's on the inside. Ah, well, if it feels good, do it, right? Throwing up doesn't feel good! Starving doesn't feel good! Just eat! Eat, eat, EAT!!! It's yummy! Load on the starchy sugary crap! (If you notice I'm not talking about over-eating fat, that's because I don't believe in misinformation, but the federal government does, so ignore the old food pyramid.)

Anyway, as my wife and I discussed the obvious lack of eating disorders, it occurred to me that Americans do, actually have an eating disorder. Everyone is bulimic now. We just skip all the throwing up.

Liberals in Real Life 5

So it's after work, I have to be somewhere, it's time to eat, and I unfortunately have to stop at a McDonalds and get some pseudo-food because it's the only thing around. Interestingly, they are hiring, and one of the benefits of working there is "free meals." Wow. Anyway, I get my nuggets, with two whole bbq sauces in the bag since I asked for a lot, and note that the prices have been on the rise since the last time I was in one of these junk food joints, years ago.

I walk outside to my car quickly because, like I said, I have somewhere to be. This kid, 17 or 18 or so, sloppy looking, approaches me, asking if he can ask me a question. Well he just did, but whatever. He has his left hand in his pocket the whole time as we walks toward me, and I swear to myself because I didn't have my knife in my pocket, thanks to the stupid rules at work. Watching his hand, I note that my gun is in the console in my car, almost in reach. He's close now, my car door is open and between us, and his pocket has nothing large in it. I say, "yea, what's up." Note the lack of a question mark there. He asks with a dopey smile if he gives me money, if I'd by him and his friend a "high fire," or something that started with "high," I don't know, probably some liquor or something. (No it wasn't a high life.) I say, "I don't have time." He turns and walks away, and I watch him, hand still in pocket, and note his bright blue underwear hanging out, no, sticking out of his pants, strangely with a belt around them.

I keep an eye on him until he reaches his truck with his buddy inside. There's an "Obama Time" bumper sticker on the back.

I should have taken his money and left.