The Briefcase Mafia

It's amusing, really, and sad, just how much money companies spend to try and keep their employees from getting hurt. Not because it's a bad cause, it's just the retarded- yes, retarded- nature of where it all came from. It is not uncommon at all for a company to spend twenty hours training an unskilled worker how to not get hurt in a relatively (if you're not a moron) harmless warehouse. Two hours could cover everything necessary, but twenty, wow, that really shows that they care, right? Things like don't walk on a rolling floor, watching out for spilled water, not sticking your fingers in or near a giant moving part of a machine... are these things not just common sense? That is not to mention the bogus nutritional advice they lay upon their employees- the kind of diet that has made all America fat, such as meal proportions that eerily reflect the style of eating sumo wrestlers use to reach their weight. And, of course, the ridiculous amount of time they spend teaching people how to pick up something safely, and how important it is to strictly adhere to this protocol, even if what the person is lifting weighs a meager five pounds- a weight that five year olds lift over their heads one handed with ease.

Michael Savage, talk show host extraordinaire, has a phrase: the "briefcase mafia." He is referring to lawyers, who have largely taken over the country. (Our current president, and his defeated senile opponent, are both lawyers, by the way.) Please tell me you don't need any proof of my accusation. Fine. A county in Florida has banned running at recess at its schools for fear of lawsuits from injuries. Disclaimers are at the bottom and end of every commercial you will ever see. And, let's not forget all those frivolous lawsuits. Black and Decker once lost a suit where a guy taped the dead man's switch on a lawnmower, picked it up with the help of his friend, used it- the LAWNMOWER WITH A DEAD MAN'S SWITCH- to trim his hedges, dropped it, and lost a finger or two. And who is it, again, that files all these suits and laws in favor of alien invaders (citizenship-challenged people, for you liberals out there) and their alleged rights, again? You know, like the right to have an anchor-baby in an American hospital that they never have to repay, while a citizen would be stuck with a bill of around $15,000 to have a baby at that same hospital with the same level of care? Oh, and let's not forget about the sensitivity training our good soldiers have to take, instead of running combat drills. Don't want to accidentally offend a female officer or anything while we're fighting and killing the enemy, now do we?

Oh, and, for good measure, let's go ahead and mention the plot that the CIA had in Iraq to go and remote-detonate bomb-makers' boms while they were still making... that was stopped by the legal team saying that they weren't allowed to do such a thing. Jurisdiction or something, who knows.

The lawyers, with their mastery of law, in all it's complications, loopholes, and tape of all colors, have somehow declared themselves experts in everything. The fear of getting sued, it seems, has made the lawyer's whim supreme! It should be noted, however, that even the mention of their intervention can change the behavior of some, and is abused by others. It is reminiscent of the most corrupt years of the Catholic church, centuries ago, before they reformed themselves.

My wife, for example, hatched ducklings in her class (she is a teacher), and once they grew up, she let them out in the habitat- a little area in the middle of the school that is outside and made up with trees and other stuff. The kids LOVE them, and what could be better? Live ducks for the kids to watch, see the female's eggs when she lays, and the responsibility some kids in her classroom show when they go to feed them.

Wait a minute, not so fast! A concerned parent (is there any other kind in a story like this?) wants to know something- is it possible for those ducks to hurt a student? Egads! The duck! The male! The scary, scary, male duck! He might, I don't know, peck at a kid or something! Worry not, the principal will get to the bottom of this! She will call on the phone and consult... the district lawyer?

Ah, yes, it turns out that the only relevant question is whether or not the school is liable, should a kid be pecked to the point of, in a worst case scenario... his skin showing a small mark. Yep, that's a lawsuit just waiting to happen, we are going to have to get rid of the ducks! You have until Spring Break. Oh, that's the week off that we used to call Easter, you know, before the lawyers got involved...

The plot thickens, however. This concerned parent may or may not have even existed, it may just be that the idiot janitor doesn't want the pump in the little fake pond to clog up, even though such a clog has never once been linked in any way to the ducks. So, through either real legal shenanigans, or the mere unfounded threat, nay, idea of them... the ducks have to go. Guess the students' love for the animals, taking care of them, learning about them, well, doesn't matter so much.

But back to the warehouse jobs and whatnot... Once I was in such a training for such a job, and I, too, had to be taught how to properly lift things. Incidentally, I know more about lifting objects in more modalities than those who taught me could ever hope to even think about. Of the three most important points to lifting an object from the ground (deadlift), the most important things you would ever want to teach a novice lifter in the gym, they hit one of them. However, they were quick to point out to a young lady who was demonstrating "proper lifting" with an empty box, that she leaned too far forward over the box when lifting it. Really, I think to myself. She leans too far forward. I was in perfect position to observe her form, and it wasn't that bad. But the little old lady who belongs in a library that still contains a card catalog pointed out that she should be more vertical.

So, I guess every professional power lifter that ever existed, as well as every Olympic weightlifter to ever compete was wrong. I guess instead of having, ideally, your shoulder blades directly over the object you lift, as has been proven time and again the most biomechanically efficient and effective thing to do (thus most natural), by coaches and scientists around the world for nearly a century, is actually wrong. I guess the simple proof that such a posture actually increases the (negligible) torque produced on the lower back in such a position, versus the position I would recommend, that any physics student could show you, isn't important. Here, after all the experts I have met and trained with, and all the years I have spent training, refining my training, and seeing real progress and strength gains, etc., I would have recommended a completely different back angle than that which is recommended by the makers of the lame safety videos new employees are forced to watch.

It's a good thing that company took so many paid hours to teach me, because it turns out I don't know the first thing about the deadlift. But then, I don't have a law degree.